


Miserable At Best

by TaejinIsMyLyfe



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Breakups, Fluff, Getting Together, Love Triangle, M/M, Slight Smut, letting go, younghoon being really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:07:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28853286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaejinIsMyLyfe/pseuds/TaejinIsMyLyfe
Summary: Younghoon realizes that Hyunjae is falling out of love with him and falling in love with someone else with the help of a sad song. He decides to let him go....title and storyline based on "Miserable at Best" by MayDay Parade
Relationships: Kim Younghoon/Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae, Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Juyeon
Comments: 11
Kudos: 42





	Miserable At Best

**Author's Note:**

> Please listen to the song this fic is based on before you read!  
> https://youtu.be/GqM3Dr7agjY

Younghoon sighed as he sank down onto the ratty old couch of his small apartment. It was another day of him wallowing in his loneliness, only surrounded by empty ramen noodle cups and his dog, Bori. It was Sunday and he had been doing this the whole week, just crashing into his couch as soon as he returned home from his lessons, completely unmotivated. Because he didn’t have the one thing (or the one person) that was usually his motivation.

He fished out his phone, sliding it out of his pants pocket, the bright light of the lock screen temporarily blinding him and making him wince. “fuck” he muttered under his breath to himself as his long fingers worked to decrease the screen display brightness. His face was scrunched, eyebrows furrowed as he navigated his way to spotify, wanting to indulge in some good music and just….melt into it.

Younghoon scrolled through his playlists. He had a knack for making them, naming them cute little names, a certain someone had always made fun of how sappy his playlists were. He scrolled past the “under the stars with you” playlist as well as the “pocketful of sunshine” playlist. Instead, Younghoon landed on his recently made “wish you were here” playlist, just like he had done for the past few days, or weeks, or perhaps months. Basically ever since he left. 

Pressing his hands to his pockets once again, Younghoon pulled out his earphones. He never got airpods, and anyways, his love always preferred the traditional wire earphones, said that they were “old but gold”. He inserted the buds into his ears, making them snug as he leant his head back, letting the back of his hair hit the top of the couch. Younghoon closed his eyes as the first song started playing. 

Ah. It was this song. The song that was the backtracking to his life. Younghoon had found this song as he was scouring old 2000’s music on Youtube, the lyrics of this one immediately grabbing his attention. Of course, that was before he knew that those very lyrics would be describing his life almost exactly. If he knew that, he would’ve stopped listening and slammed down his laptop at that very moment. But alas.

_ Katie, don't cry, I know _

_ You're trying your hardest _

_ And the hardest part is letting _

_ Go of the nights we shared _

His Katie was a boy. A boy, a very pretty boy named Lee Jaehyun, or as he liked everyone to call him, Hyunjae. The object of his affections as well as the object of his gloominess for the past months. 

Hyunjae and Younghoon were highschool sweethearts, have been dating since they were 16 years old. They started out as best friends but both of their feelings bloomed into something more once they hit that highschool age. He still remembers that giddy feeling. He remembers how it was so nervewracking and even awkward as their hands lingered over each other, but he remembers it making his heart pound. They were practically inseparable.

But as is the course of life, the time to decide on colleges had come around in senior year. Younghoon had always wanted to stay in Korea, deciding that he wanted to stay around his friends and family. And he thought that Hyunjae wanted the same, they always talked about staying at home in Korea together. But Hyunjae had dropped a bomb on him one night as they laid in bed, glistening in the afterglow of love making. 

Hyunjae laid partly on top of Younghoon, tracing nonsense shapes onto the other’s naked chest, “Younghoonie….what if i didn’t want to stay in korea?” his eyes casted up, pretty eyelashes framing his doe eyes. 

“What do you mean?” Younghoon knew what he meant, he just didn’t want to accept it. His hands fell down to lay his hands on the small of Hyunjae’s back, partially covered artfully on his body. Hyunjae looked like a romantic painting, blonde curly hair falling on his face, the blanket draping over his lithe body, legs thrown askew. 

Hyunjae bit his lip, considering his words before his spoke, “what if….what if i told you i got a scholarship…..in new york?” he propped himself up to rest on his elbows, “and what if i told you that i wanted to go?”

Younghoon smiled, his eyes creating crescents as he raised his hand to play with the curls of Hyunjae’s hair, “then you should go for it if you want it Hyunjae-ah” his answer was simple and certainly didn’t reflect what his mind was thinking. His mind, on the other hand, was running 100 miles a minute. “You deserve to have everything your heart wishes, angel”. A million thoughts were passing through, mostly on what would happen to their relationship if Hyunjae left to go thousands of miles away from where he would be.

“I promise...that I’ll call you every night after school” Hyunjae grabbed Younghoon’s hand that was still occupied with his hair, “we won’t lose this, my love” Hyunjae kissed the knuckles of the taller boy’s hand.

But it already felt like they were losing it. 

They had been talking way less than compared to the first few weeks that Hyunjae left. He was true to his promise at first, calling Younghoon up the moment his schedule was cleared, the excitement of talking to his boyfriend apparent in his voice. It was going well. They were fine.

And then Hyunjae’s schedule started getting busier. And by the time he was finally free, the time zones would get in the way of their calls. And after a while, Younghoon started to wonder if he was actually busy with schoolwork when he didn’t call or if he…..just didn’t feel like it anymore. 

After their first big break of not calling each other that lasted almost a full week, Younghoon decided to facetime Hyunjae one night without a warning or text telling him before. Hyunjae picked up, his focus on something else as he accepted the call, probably not reading the caller before he pressed the button. 

“Hyunjae-ya?” Younghood decided to talk first to get the other’s attention.

Hyunjae turned around from whatever he was laughing about and turned to the phone, eyes widened as he recognized the familiar voice. “Younghoon?....you didn’t tell me….that you were going to call. Sorry.”

Sorry? Why was he saying sorry? “Yea, I just wanted to see your face baby” and Younghoon didn’t know why but Hyunjae grabbed his earphones and plugged them in as soon as he had called him ‘baby’, his eyes flicking up to whoever he was talking to before for a quick instant.

“Me too” Hyunjae’s words were sad. It sounded like he meant them, but it also felt….discouraged. He was moving to the balcony of his dorm now, bringing his phone and Younghoon outside as they spoke. 

Younghoon stayed silent for a bit, just taking in Hyunjae’s appearance for a bit. Oh. “You dyed your hair?” his voice crackled through the line as he noticed his boyfriend’s blonde hair turned into a soft brown caramel color. 

Hyunjae nodded, “yea, i did it the other day. Sorry i didn’t tell you” his voice was quiet as it crackled over to Younghoon’s side. 

“Stop saying sorry. Please. You have nothing to be sorry about baby” Younghoon wasn’t sure this call turned into something that sounded so sad. He just wanted to hear his baby’s voice again.

Hyunjae didn’t reply. His words dying in his throat as a soft sob wracked through the phone. He was crying. Hyunjae’s sniffles were heard from the other side as he raised his sweater clad hand to cover his mouth with, trying to stifle his sobs. 

Younghoon’s eyebrows furrowed immediately, frantically talking into the phone, “Baby baby? What’s wrong angel?” when Hyunjae didn’t answer, he kept on, “Please...talk to me Hyunjae...please”

Hyunjae swallowed his sobs, catching his breath to answer, “It’s just- it’s so hard” he paused, “it’s so hard to be here so far away….without you” he wiped the tears off his cheeks, looking at Younghoon properly. “I’m so lonely here Younghoonie. I don’t know how much longer I can take it alone here”

“I know” Younghoon replied, sniffling back a tear himself, “I know, I’ve been struggling without you too Hyunjae” he wanted to kiss him so badly right now, “I miss you”

Hyunjae nodded fervently, crying into his sweater harder, “I miss you too. So much” when he looked up, his doe eyes were slightly swollen, that nose that Younghoon loved so much colored red, “miss you so so so much” 

“Can you talk right now? Are you….free?” Younghoon asked, wanting to have a long talk with his boyfriend but keeping in mind that there seemed to be a friend or someone that Hyunjae had over earlier. 

Hyunjae caught his breath, gathering the tears he had left with the fabric of his sweater, “uhhh i’m actually- i have some friends over right now” he seemed to be scanning Younghoon’s face, “-but i can tell them to go home if you really wanted to-”

“No no, I wouldn’t want your friends to think I’m a dick” Younghoon joked, “no, go have fun baby, I’ll always be here” he assured the other.

“Okay then” Hyunjae walked off the balcony and back into the dorm, getting ready to hang up, “I’ll talk to you another day then” his eyes were more wary now, glancing to his side occasionally. 

Younghoon was just about to greet him goodbye as well but there was something that stopped him. He could see multiple pairs of feet near the bottom of the screen, probably Hyunjae’s friends but what caught his attention was the boy that passed by behind him. Behind Hyunjae, a boy walked by. He took a quick glance at the screen, making eye contact with Younghoon for a split second before looking away. He was a handsome man, no doubt, sharp features framing his face. He looked strong. He was tall, with tanner skin than both him and Hyunjae.

“Is that your boyfriend?” Younghoon could hear the boy tease at Hyunjae in the background, his friends making oohs and ahhs at Hyunjae blushing. Younghoon watched as Hyunjae’s smile widened as he looked back at the boy, replying with a “yahhhh~”. Younghoon tilted his head, he hadn’t seen Hyunjae smile that hard since he left. 

Younghoon, after hesitation, brought Hyunjae’s attention back to himself, “who...is that?” 

He could tell that Hyunjae was caught off guard, eyes widening, but replying shortly after, “That…? That’s Juyeon” he didn’t offer more information. “Bye Younghoonie, I’ll talk to you later”

“Bye-” the phone was hung up by the other side. 

That was 2 months ago. Now, the situation was much worse. They talked way less now, Hyunjae replying to Younghoon’s texts slower than before. The thoughts creeped into his mind, of course. Worries that Hyunjae might be…..getting tired of him and maybe wanting to…..move on to other men. Perhaps Juyeon, who Hyunjae talked about multiple times before.

Younghoon knew that Hyunjae didn’t want to hurt him, knew that he still cared about him in one way or another. Even if it wasn’t the way he loved him before. Younghoon knew he should want the one he loves to be happy. He knew he should want Hyunjae to move on from him and find love again, he should let him go. Because he knew that the other was holding himself back, he knew that Hyunjae would never actually cheat on him, he was too sweet for that, but he was probably close. 

_ Compared to your eyes _

_ Nothing shines quite as bright _

Younghoon missed Hyunjae. He missed everything about him. Younghoon missed seeing Hyunjae’s pretty face contort into crescent eyes and happy smiles as he latched himself on him, Younghoon carrying the other. He missed feeling his warmth on him, pressed against him, around his cock-

He missed him. Younghoon recounted how Hyunjae’s eyes would sparkle in the moonlight as Younghoon thrusted into him, skin glistening with sweat. He wished to feel Hyunjae’s hands on his back as he gripped onto him, whimpering in his ear, breathy and high as he begged for Younghoon to “fuck me harder please”. Younghoon wanted to see his face again as he reached his climax, moaning his name prettily into the air, “Younghoon...younghoon, oh my god…”. He wanted to run his hands all over that milky skin once again, leaving marks all over so everyone would know that Hyunjae was his. So that Juyeon would know that Hyunjae was his. But maybe he wasn’t quite so his anymore. 

He missed the way his glowed after they had sex, staring up into Younghoon’s eyes as he kissed down his chest, praising how good he fucked him that night. Younghoon would give anything just to lay in bed cuddling with Hyunjae once again, tucking his hair behind his ear, caressing his fucked out, blissed out face. 

He would do anything to go back to the way they were before. 

_ Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight _

_ (I know he's there) _

Younghoon opened his eyes momentarily, swiping his phone to go on instagram as he listened to the song, scrolling mindlessly through the stories of his friends. He hummed along to the sad melody of the song as took in the useless information that people thought others would actually care about. Your life is not that interesting.

But one story did interest him. It was from Kevin, one of Hyunjae’s friends that he met in New York that he had introduced to Younghoon, following him on Instagram once they had been acquainted. He wasn’t close to him or anything, but he was suddenly replaying his story again and again as he spotted Hyunjae and his friends huddled around a table, laughing as they watched a bottle spin. It was short, an 11 second clip, but Younghoon still focused on Hyunjae sitting on the floor, pressed next to Juyeon. They seemed close as Hyunjae started to curl his delicate hands around Juyeon’s arm just as the story had ended, but Younghoon saw. 

“Of course he’s there” Younghoon voiced out to no one, sighing. It hurt. It hurt to see Hyunjae slipping right out of his fingers. It hurt whenever Hyunjae’s stories documented that he was at the library with Juyeon, or that he was getting lunch with him, or that he was walking with Juyeon while sharing an ice cream. It was all innocent, and Hyunjae wasn’t cheating on him, but it hurt Younghoon to see Hyunjae seemingly starting to fall in love with someone else. 

It really pained him when Hyunjae, or Juyeon, or one of their other friends would post group photos and see that those two were always,  _ always _ , without fail in every single photo, placed next to each other. Sometimes they were laughing at each other, not even focused on the person taking the photo. It hurt because he knew. Younghoon knew the little tells that Hyunjae had when he was falling for someone. He experienced it first hand. 

Juyeon had posted a photo once, and Younghoon had seen it because yes, he followed him, something he regretted doing. The photo was of Juyeon and Hyunjae in front of a donut shop, comically posing to look as if they were biting into the gargantuan donut sculpture. It was a cute, harmless photo, with a harmless caption: “me and the bestie”

But as Younghoon looked through the comments, his heart broke. Kevin had commented, “ya~ you guys look like a couple, you know?” he held his breath as he clicked open the replies, a single reply from Juyeon reading, “do we?”.

Knowing that Juyeon was over at Hyunjae and Kevin’s place right now, with a bunch of other friends, yes, but knowing that he was with Hyunjae worried him. It was clear that Hyunjae liked him, and it was clear that Juyeon liked him back. And he knew that Hyunjae loved him too much, either romantically or not, to cheat on him, to be explicitly unfaithful towards him, but that wouldn’t stop Hyunjae’s feelings. It just meant that he wouldn’t act on them. And that hurt him too.

He didn’t want Hyunjae to be unhappy, hanging between the balance of falling out of love with Younghoon and wanting to pursue something new with Juyeon. But he wasn’t really quite ready to let go of him yet, because he for sure was still as madly in love with Hyunjae as he was all those years ago when he confessed to him on the roof of the school.

But he knew Hyunjae didn’t feel the same anymore. And Juyeon was there. 

_ You're probably hanging out and making eyes _

_ (While across the room he stares) _

Younghoon wanted to keep his mind from running, thinking up scenarios of Hyunjae and Juyeon in head head. But he couldn’t help it. He could see them in the apartment, sipping on light drinks, Hyunjae getting slightly pink with tipsiness like he always did when he drank. Younghoon was sure that Juyeon’s eyes must be glued onto his pretty Hyunjae, beautiful as he was. He imagined what was going down 6,842 miles away from him.

With the given liquid courage of alcohol, Hyunjae looks up to meet Juyeon’s eyes, who had already been staring at him. Hyunjae turns away, perhaps remembering that he had a boyfriend back at home, but turning back after a few seconds. Juyeon is still staring at him from the other side of the room, drink in hand as he nods at Hyunjae. Juyeon bites his lip, lifting an eyebrow at Hyunjae, who blushes nervously in response, just like he always did when Younghoon flirted with him in front of all their friends. 

The two of them sip their drinks, making suggestive eyes at each other, both a little tipsy and judgement not the best of their ability. Hyunjae bats his eyelashes, biting down onto his plush bottom lip, trying his best to look as pretty as he could for Juyeon as they exchange looks. His fingers play with his cup, nervous with the giddy feeling of having a blooming crush on someone. Juyeon seems to be feeling the same. Both of them want to move closer together.

And so Juyeon takes the initiative and starts walking towards Hyunjae.

_ I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor _

_ And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes _

Juyeon, drink still in hand, approaches Hyunjae. Younghoon’s heart hurts as he imagines how pretty Hyunjae looks as he glances up at Juyeon, pink blush and all. Juyeon sets his drink down beside Hyunjae, having to lean slightly forward into him, breaking the personal space between the two as his face is close to the others, Hyunjae’s breath hitches. Juyeon chuckles, mutters something along the lines of “you’re cute” to him.

Hyunjae clears his throat as he takes another gulp of his fruit punch spiked with rum from his red solo cup, nervous as he tries to avoid Juyeon’s strong, piercing eyes. Juyeon’s eyes follow Hyunjae’s movements as he downs the sweet alcohol, eyes cast closely on the expanse of his neck as he watches him swallow it down. Juyeon probably thinks that his boyfriend is sexy. 

Without warning, Juyeon stops Hyunjae, grabbing the drink out of his hand and setting it down beside his own cup on the table behind Hyunjae. The other smiles up at him, shy and so, so pretty. Younghoon remembers that smile, it was the one he gave him when Younghoon had confessed and Hyunjae was starting to say “i like you too” back to him. And now, he was giving that shy, teasing smile to another man. 

“Do you wanna...dance?” Juyeon asks Hyunjae nonchalantly, like he wasn’t nervous himself, like he wasn’t sweating under his palms as he talks to the pretty boy he had been crushing on ever since he arrived in New York. 

Hyunjae’s eyes widen. He doesn’t answer. Hyunjae thinks of Younghoon, he thinks of what he must be doing right now. He gulps, “....with you?” 

Juyeon chuckles, looking away as he shows off his charm, his handsome face making Hyunjae’s eyes twinkle, “yea, wanna dance with me pretty boy?” he chuckles once again, his sweet deep honey voice makes Hyunjae shake.

Once again, Hyunjae is hesitant, starting to pull his hand out to be taken by Juyeon but he is hesitant. Because he has a boyfriend back home in Korea. A boyfriend that loved him so very much, and whom he cared about deeply too, although it wasn’t the same anymore, and it hadn’t been for a while now. So, “sure”

Juyeon takes Hyunjae’s much smaller, daintier hand in his own, dragging him onto the middle of the living room where Kevin and Hyunjae had created a makeshift dance floor with the help of LED light strips and some cheap disco balls from Party City. Juyeon pulls Hyunjae in close, not as close as he probably wanted as Hyunjae made sure to keep a respectable distance between the two of them. But he still twirls him around, still dips him in his arms from time to time when they were laughing. Juyeon makes Hyunjae laugh like he hasn’t for the last few times he had talked to Younghoon.

And Juyeon makes Hyunjae question.

_ 'Cause nothing feels like home _

_ You're a thousand miles away _

Younghoon splays his hands onto the couch beneath him, dragging himself forcefully back into reality. He couldn’t take that imagery anymore. He didn’t want to imagine the different ways in which Juyeon must be charming his boyfriend right now. And he knew that Juyeon didn’t seem like a bad guy either. He had just fallen victim to Hyunjae’s loveliness, like he himself had.

This was his apartment, where he resided, where he ate, slept, studied, and stared at his phone where the read receipt from Hyunjae’s side on his last text was blaring at him. But it didn’t feel right without Hyunjae in it. His boyfriend got to see his new college dorm before he went off to New York for a few weeks since Hyunjae’s curriculum started a little later than Younghoon’s. They had already christened (fucked) on every possible surface of his apartment, Hyunjae insisting that he wanted Younghoon to be able to remember his aura in every crook of the apartment. 

Now, as he looked around the apartment, it pained him to remember. Younghoon didn’t want to remember Hyunjae pressed against the kitchen island, or the coffee counter, or the balcony, or the cupboard, or pinned down on the very couch he sat on. He could still hear his warm laughter dancing around the walls of the dull walls. It seemed a lot brighter whenever Hyunjae came over. He could still hear echoes of his sweet moans, teasing Younghoon, begging for Younghoon, whining Younghoon’s name, or oh so prettily asking Younghoon to “please cum inside me Hoonie”.

This was his home so why did it feel like his heart had traveled to New York with Hyunjae? 

Hyunjae was more than 6,000 miles away as he was getting courted by another man and Younghoon was stuck at home, having to fuck into his own hand as he imagined Hyunjae was back in arms once again. 

_ And this'll be the first time in a week _

_ That I'll talk to you and I can't speak _

The song finished but the rest of the lyrics sounded in his head as he sent a short text to Hyunjae, “let’s talk” he didn’t ask this time, just stating that they needed to have a talk. He didn’t care that Hyunjae had friends over, had Juyeon over that night, he just wanted to see him, to hear him. And it seemed that Hyunjae noticed his serious tone as he replied, “okay. I’ll call you in a few”.

Younghoon let his head fall back, closing his eyes as he waited for Hyunjae to call him. It had been a few weeks since they had last talked, was it almost 2 weeks now? He bit down on his lip hard as his eyes squeezed shut, his fingers were dancing impatiently on the fabric of the couch, when was Hyunjae going to call him?

_ Ring! Ring! Ring! _ -

Younghoon snapped up into position as he unconsciously fixed his hair quickly before answering the facetime call from Hyunjae and lifting it up to show his face. Hyunjae’s own face filled his screen. He looked like he was in his bedroom alone, though Younghoon could hear the faint trace of music in the back, seemingly Juyeon, Kevin, and friends were still hanging out in the living room. Younghoon put on a smile. 

“Hey baby” Younghoon’s voice was fond, examining Hyunjae’s face, as pretty as he always was.

Hyunjae did seem to perk up once he heard Younghoon’s voice. It was nice to know that the other boy still cared for him, “Hey Hoonie”, his cute hands came up to form a little wave to him. Younghoon’s heart ached.

“Are you having fun?” Younghoon asked, “I saw you guys playing spin the bottle on Kevin’s insta story” 

“Yea! It’s been super fun, more fun than I’ve had in weeks, really. We all just finished our semester exams so decided to loosen up a little before the next rolling wave of tests” Hyunjae laughed. Oh, how Younghoon missed that laugh.

Younghoon could listen to Hyunjae ramble on about his daily doings forever and he would never get bored. Hyunjae had this talent for storytelling, hands coming up animatedly when he did so. Younghoon often told him that he should open a storytime youtube channel. “I missed you” he interjected as Hyunjae told his story, shutting the other boy up, who smiled fondly at him.

“I missed you too Hoonie. I really did” Hyunjae’s eyes cast down, playing with his fingers. His mouth opened to say something but refrained. Hyunjae opened his mouth again, now asking, “How have you been Hoonie? We haven’t been able to facetime for a while…” his voice trailed off. 

Younghoon sighed, considering his answer. 

_ It's been three whole days since I've had sleep _

_ 'Cause I dream of his lips on your cheek _

“I….” Younghoon paused, “I’ve been okay. I missed you a lot” he glanced up at the phone screen where he saw Hyunjae who was clearly trying to be strong and hold back his forming tears on the corners of his eyes. 

The truth was he had been having trouble resting. Younghoon tossed and turned in bed as he thought about Hyunjae and what he must be doing. Sometimes it would be impure thoughts, ones where he thought about Hyunjae’s naked body underneath him, his milky skin under his palms. Other times, it would be reminiscing on their happiest days in high school, when all they had to be worried about was what they were having for lunch the next day.

But most of the time, Younghoon couldn’t sleep because he was thinking about Hyunjae, with Juyeon specifically. He knew that Hyunjae would never betray him but his mind drifted to some intrusive thoughts. Thoughts on what Juyeon must be thinking whenever they were alone together. He had been in that exact same spot, so he could figure. He could figure that Juyeon must want to kiss Hyunjae, his Hyunjae. 

Juyeon must want to do the same things that Younghoon longed to do once again to his boyfriend. 

_ And I got the point that I should leave you alone _

_ But we both know that I'm not that strong _

_ And I miss the lips that made me fly _

Younghoon wished that he could have the courage to let go of Hyunjae. He wished he could stop caging Hyunjae in his palm and let him use his beautiful wings and fly. Younghoon knew that Hyunjae probably wanted to end their relationship already, and he probably wanted to be with Juyeon instead. But he also knew that Hyunjae might never say that because he didn’t want to ruin their friendship. And Hyunjae still cared about him way too much, in a different way than before. 

Younghoon knew that he wanted to step away from him, wanted Hyunjae to accept Juyeon’s confessions and pursue something with him. But at the same time, he didn’t. Because while Hyunjae may have moved on with his feelings, Younghoon’s have stayed the same. He knew that if he ever wanted to see Hyunjae in love ever again, he would have to be the one to break it up.

He never thought that he would be the one to break up with Hyunjae. Younghoon always told his friends that Hyunjae would definitely be the one to leave him if they ever broke up, and they always confirmed it, teasing him on how absolutely whipped he was for the younger. But now Hyunjae’s fate and happiness was in his hands.

_ Because these words were never easier for me to say _

_ Or her to second guess _

“Hyunjae” Younghoon’s voice was stern now, grabbing Hyunjae’s attention who was continuing on telling his boyfriend all about his day. 

He got closer to the phone, “yea?” Hyunjae’s eyebrows furrowed, “is everything okay?”

Younghoon nodded, tears starting to stream down his face, “I have to-” his words dried out in his throat as a sob let itself out, hiding himself in his hands.

“Younghoon? Younghoon, please what’s going on….you have to what?” Hyunjae frantically talked into the phone, “please you’re making me worried, what’s going on Younghoon, what do you have to do?”

“I have to let you go”

“What?”   


“I have to….let you go Hyunjae” Younghoon stared into Hyunjae’s eyes, whose own eyes were tearing up as well.

“W-What…..?” Hyunjae’s voice was wavering as a single tear fell down his porcelain cheeks. Younghoon always thought that Hyunjae looked perfect even when crying.

Younghoon gathered himself, sniffling as he did, “Hyunjae...I know that we aren’t….the same as before” he paused, “I know t-that you have been falling out of love with me” he could see that Hyunjae was about to interjecting, waving his hands but he talked before he could, “No, it’s okay, Hyunjae. It’s okay if you eventually fall out of love with your high school sweetheart that you haven't seen in 4 months. I’m not mad at you”

“Younghoon, I-” Hyunjae sobbed, “I still love you. It’s just- like you said….it’s not the same. But- but I still care about you. I never did anything to betray your faith, I swear, Younghoon please believe me, I would never-” Hyunjae rambled.

Younghoon laughed sadly, “Hyunjae, I know. I know you would never do anything to hurt me, you’re too good of a boyfriend to do that.” he glanced down and then back up at the phone to where Hyunjae was anticipating his next sentence, “You like Juyeon, don’t you?”

Hyunjae’s eyes widened for a second before returning back to normal, looking down. It took him a long time to answer, biting his lips nervously. It was quiet until he replied, “....yes” Hyunjae finally looked up at him, “I do like Juyeon. But again, I never did anything. We danced, once. But that’s it, I made sure to never go further because- because i love you Younghoon”

“You fool” Hyunjae was slightly taken aback, “you shouldn’t sacrifice your own happiness for mine! You’re too nice for your own good, Hyunjae-ya seriously” he shook his head. “And that's exactly why I’m letting you go”

The other sniffled on the line, “Y-Younghoon, I don’t wanna l-lose you, please” Hyunjae’s voice was small, fragile as it escaped his lips.

“You won’t” Younghoon reassured him, “You’ll never lose me, I promise you Hyunjae.” he wished he could hug him right now. 

“You promise? Y-you can’t leave me, ever” Hyunjae’s tears were now streaming freely down his face, soaking his skin.

Younghoon felt like his heart was breaking into a million pieces as he continued putting on a brave face, “I promise.” he gulped, blinking away the wave of tears on the brink of his eyes, “Now, go get your man”

Hyunjae laughed through his tears. The rest of the night was pleasant. They had a nice talk, like the ones they had in middle school before they had gotten into a relationship. Younghoon let go of Hyunjae officially at 11 pm that night when they hung up the call. As the phone beeped, signalling the end of the call, he finally let the dam break and Younghoon let himself sob into his clothes. 

Nothing had ever hurt this bad and Younghoon was convinced that nothing else could ever come close to how his heart felt in this moment.

Younghoon was proved wrong 6 years later, when a letter arrived in his mail. A pretty white envelope was sitting on the floor in front of his door from where it had come through the mail slot. His head tilted as he examined the pretty outside packaging of the letter, bringing it to his kitchen table to open it.

He grabbed a knife from the kitchen and opened the letter, his hand coming up to his mouth immediately after scanning the contents of the letter.

**You are invited to the holy matrimony of**

**Lee Juyeon and Lee Jaehyun**

Younghoon dropped the letter to the table, getting up and standing away from the surface. His hands felt their way to his chest where he felt that heavy feeling in his heart again. Even now, after 6 long years of letting Hyunjae go. After 6 years of seeing Hyunjae and Juyeon’s posts together, 6 years of hearing Hyunjae talk to him occasionally about how lovely Juyeon treated him, 6 long years of healing, he still wasn’t over it.

He flew out to New York 2 weeks later, his suit carefully packed into his suitcase. Younghoon arrived at the airport, where Hyunjae was waiting with a comically decorated sign with his name scribbled on it with neon letters and glitter, jumping up and down excitedly when he saw him. Juyeon was standing beside him, looking at him fondly. Younghoon and Hyunjae hadn’t been reunited ever since 2 years ago when he had brought Juyeon home to meet all his friends and family. 

Younghoon’s heart was heavy in his chest as he straightened his tie in the mirror. It was the morning of the wedding and he was going to be heading out soon. As he sat in the rows of guests, he couldn’t help but feel jealous as he looked on at Juyeon standing at the altar, waiting for Hyunjae to walk down the aisle. Younghoon couldn’t help but let a tear stream down as he watched on as Hyunjae graced down the aisle, in a matching white tux to Juyeon.

And Younghoon bit his tongue down as the pastor’s voice rang through his skull, “if anyone can show just cause why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace". 

He watched on as Juyeon took Hyunjae’s hand in his own, the two of them staring into each other’s eyes with so much love. 

“I now pronounce you man and husband. You may kiss.”

Younghoon closed his eyes.

_ But I guess _

_ That I can live without you but _

_ Without you I'll be miserable at best. _

  
  
  



End file.
